


No One Left Behind

by bagog



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, M/M, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-22
Updated: 2016-11-22
Packaged: 2018-09-01 09:59:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8620030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bagog/pseuds/bagog
Summary: The final push to the transport beam in London. What if Kaidan followed?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this prompt by shepard-pls over on tumblr: What if Shepard's LI made it to the Crucible instead of Anderson?
> 
> 95% of the Mass Effect fanfic I post on bagog.tumblr.com remains on tumblr an is never uploaded here, but I sorta made a promise to a few people that I would post this on AO3 once I'd expanded it a little. N7 month seemed like a good time to expand it.

It felt like the rain was flaying the skin from Kaidan’s face.

He didn’t have time to imagine whether it was the driving wind, or if the surging power coming from the massive beam of light before them was flinging the rain against them like bullets. London was a hellscape more alien than any of the hostile worlds Kaidan had fought with Shepard on.

How many times had he told Shepard he would follow him anywhere? While the Reapers crushed the Hammer forces to dust around them, the skeleton of London lying around them in a smoking rubble, Kaidan almost wanted to thank them for the opportunity to prove his resolve.

It was a kind of battle giddiness he’d felt before: the sensation that _this_ was the end. _His_ End. Waiting for you since the start of everything. It was the kind of belonging that drew Kaidan back to the battlefield.

And it was Shepard that had drawn him back to the battlefield. He belonged in Shepard’s arms, in his bed, in his thoughts. Now they were both here on the battlefield. He had told Shepard “We both know… this is goodbye.” And Shepard had shut him up, so maybe his lover wasn’t feeling what he was—but Kaidan hadn’t said it as a defeatist, admitting he wasn’t strong enough to finish the fight.

He said it with the giddiness of belonging. No more wondering, no more worrying. This fight—the Reapers—it was _Shepard’s_ fight. Kaidan’s purpose was always keeping him safe through to the end. Whatever came, his journey ended today. Alien as the London crater was, and the looming Harbinger above them, murdering hammer team one-by-one as they bolted for the transport beam, Kaidan was at home behind Shepard.

++

The heat of every blast seared his skin and singed Shepard’s hair. The lieutenant at his left didn’t have time to scream, vaporized in Harbinger’s beam.

Shepard rolled to the side, the molten blast tearing through the Earth where he had stood. Kaidan and Garrus behind him certainly had dodged the blast as well… but there was no time to look. There was a scream of a shuttle engine failing overhead, and a Kodiak slammed into the Earth a ways away, the ground shook with every step Harbinger took to position itself for a better kill shot at the canon-fodder Hammer team rushing down the hill, Shepard could barely hear his own heartbeat.

A Mako in front of him bucked up, flung by an explosion, hurtling through the air. Shepard didn’t even think: arms back, sliding forward, just under the flaming transport. Time slowed, the sound of his breath echoed off the hull of the Mako.

Kaidan.

Right behind him.

Shepard pivoted in time to see Kaidan and Garrus dive—the Mako batting the turian aside and barreling over Kaidan. Rain in his face: rain at his back. Shepard bolted back away from the beam before he realized he had made the choice to abandon the mission. Kaidan needed him.

++

It was surreal, feeling the deck of Normandy under his feet.

Kaidan blinked. The world was still hell outside the shuttle bay, the transport beam still a blazing blue pillar… so close. He had almost made it. If Garrus hadn’t been holding him up, he would have collapsed to the deck. If Garrus hadn’t been holding him back, he would have run to Shepard.

He knew the look in Shepard’s eyes: resolve, regret. He had turned back from the beam to haul Kaidan to safety, called EDI down out of her low-orbit skirmishes to evac _him_. But no, Shepard didn’t regret any of that. He regretted he couldn’t board the ship with Kaidan and escape. He regretted that he had led the life that had put him and his love in this peril.

But now he was turning back from the open bay, turning back into the fray. He had to. But Kaidan couldn’t let him go like that.

“Shepard!”

“You’ve gotta get out of here, Kaidan!”

“Don’t leave me behind…” the words came before Kaidan could think them, his heart more ready to protect his mission than his shaking limbs—and his mission was seeing Shepard through to the _end_.

Shepard’s eyes were a blue like the world, shining in the glare of the transport beam. The regret was gone.

“Whatever happens,” he strode up the ramp to Kaidan, while the remains of Hammer surged past the hovering Normandy, while Harbinger bellowed and fought against EDI’s cyberwarfare suite which temporarily disabled it, while the world dissolved in rain and blood around them. “Know that I love you.”

Shepard’s fingers on his face, the armor cool against the burn and blood on Kaidan’s cheek. He touched Shepard’s hand.

“I… I love you, too.”

And Shepard was backing away, the smile on his face soaked in the bittersweet giddiness of ‘Goodbye’. _Now_ , Shepard knew this was goodbye.

Harbinger roared back to life, annihilated a squad that had made it to the very steps of the transport beam.

“Go!” Shepard shouted. Then, he ran. Away from Kaidan, away from safety, down to the transport beam.

Kaidan turned, made bleary eye-contact with Garrus supporting him.

“K-Kaidan…” Garrus swallowed.

“Please,” Kaidan urged.

“I won’t…” his talons tightened around Kaidan’s side, holding him back more than holding him up.

“ _Please.”_

Garrus looked across the distance Shepard had put between himself and the Normandy, as if hoping for a second opinion. Then the Normandy lurched and began to rise:

“…don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“I’ll tell you all about at the bar,” Kaidan didn’t wait another moment, sliding out of Garrus’ grip and stumbling out of the bay doors, landing hard on the ground. Shepard was so fast, and Kaidan was so weak.

Still, he ran after.

With Normandy gone, Harbinger returned in full fury. There was a moment of transcendent awareness where Kaidan _knew_ Harbinger _must_ be targeting Shepard, where he saw the angle of the angry red beam carving through the earth up to where Shepard ran headlong into it.

He felt his biotics activate, the power ripping through him, the static tightening of his skin making his joints ache. 90 meters ahead, he locked Shepard in the mother of all stasis fields—he felt the feedback pulse of Harbinger’s blast connecting with the dark matter he was spinning around Shepard’s body. It rattled through his bones and tugged at his implant like a storm wave yanking a ship’s anchor off the ocean floor.

He screamed.

He held the mnemonic pose.

The ground shook and his face burned and his head spun.

He ‘woke up’ when his elbow slammed into the ground, catching himself just before his face impacted the dirt. Harbinger still dared above him, red eye blazing. Every piece of equipment in his hard suit had been burned out by the blast of his biotics, and it felt like his teeth were being pushed out of his head, a sharp pain through his amp-port.

90 meters ahead, a charred body lay in a haze of biotic static.

Kaidan covered the distance in a heartbeat. Shepard’s armor was melted and cracked, his face was a mass of burns and bruises.

“Shepard!” He cradled the limp body in his arms. A red beam arced through the air over his head, carving a line through the last advancing reserves in Hammer. “Can you hear me!? _Shepard!”_

He threw his body over Shepard when a Kodiak was vaporized into flaming debris above them, fire raining down on his back. It took Shepard a moment to manually activate his medigel, pumping the full complement into whatever was left of Shepard’s suit. Shepard was breathing. He was alive. Barely.

That was good enough. Good enough.

“Told you I’d be right behind you, Shepard.” He folded Shepard into his body. “I love you. But it looks like _you_ could use a little hope, right now. So I’ll take the lead for a little while. Can’t do it for you, but I can be your decoy.” He kissed Shepard’s cracked and bloodied lips. The ground shook: Harbinger loomed above. He found an old pistol in the dirt and closed Shepard’s hand around it. The Commander held tight. “You keep that close.”

He laid Shepard back on the ground carefully, and he bolted for the transport beam. He left his lover lying half-dead in the rain. It had been a strange love affair, and too short. Kaidan wished he had gotten to see Shepard’s eyes one last time…

++

The circuit-board brightness of the closed Citadel arms reeled, darkness crept into the corners of Shepard’s vision: spindly arms twisting around the way he held Kaidan at gunpoint, held there by a Cerberus indoctrination field.

“Look at what they can do!” The Illusive Man closed his fist and Shepard’s finger squeezed the trigger, the shot ripping through Kaidan’s stomach. He couldn’t even scream, watching Kaidan’s eyes go wide, dark blood slithering down the plates of his armor. He teetered, but when he looked up, his expression was full of sympathy.  
  
“K-Kaidan! No!”  The cry ripped out past the Illusive Man’s control.   
  
“Shepard,” The Illusive Man was close now, leaning in past Shepard’s trembling gun-hand. “I know what the major means to you. But this is truly bigger than any one of us.”

“Don’t listen to him,” Kaidan said softly. He had been seething, raging against the hold the Illusive Man had on him. But now he spoke gently, as if he were shushing away a nightmare, fingers up and down Shepard’s back in the night to tell him that dreams were only dreams, that Shepard made his own destiny.

Kaidan coughed, a thin bead of blood trickling out of the corner of his mouth.  
  
“There’s so much more at stake!” The Illusive Man urged, “With the power we take from the Reapers, we can restore  _everything_  we’ve lost”

“Not everything…” Kaidan struggled to speak, “The people… you can’t bring back the people who… gave their lives…” He dissolved into another coughing fit, body contorting oddly, unable even to collapse against the invisible restraints. Shepard’s aim, still squarely trained on Kaidan’s chest, wavered. 

“Do you think power like this comes without sacrifice?” the Illusive Man hissed.

Couldn’t bring them back… the people who had died to destroy the Reapers. Kaidan was dying. Why did he come back? When the transport beam separated them… why didn’t he wait for Shepard?

Because he knew the score. He knew the Crucible was a one way trip… if he could beat Shepard to the beam, beat him to the controls… 

A decoy.

It was the same thought Shepard had had. But Kaidan had been faster. Why hadn’t he stayed on the Normandy? Shepard had been assured, at least, that Kaidan was safe with the ship. Why?

Why hadn’t Shepard been fast enough? Why wasn’t he strong enough to break this control…  
  
“It’s alright, Shepard.” Kaidan’s voice cracked, “Don’t listen to this, you’re stronger than this.”

“You would undo everything I’ve accomplished.” The Illusive Man raised his gun to Kaidan’s head.  
  
“No!” Shepard roared, “You… you’ve sacrificed too much. Look at what you’ve done.” Slowly, agonizingly slowly, he was training his weapon on the Illusive Man. “Because of you, humanity’s already undone! They have the Citadel! They have us fighting each other… You… made me shoot the man I… the man…”  
  
Kaidan’s eyes were going unfocused. The Illusive Man still had his gun to his lover’s head.  
  
“N-no. I’ve tried to  _help_  humanity!” His voice wavered, he stepped back, clutching his head. “No… no they’re too strong, Shepard!”

“You’re stronger…” He saw Kaidan give a shuddering gasp out of the corner of his eye. But he couldn’t look, he needed every ounce of concentration…  
  
He fired six shots. The Illusive Man fell to the ground like a rag-doll.

Before Kaidan could topple over as well, Shepard had rushed over on shaking legs to catch his fall. He began pawing at Kaidan’ armor immediately to staunch the wound.  
  
“No! Open… gotta open the Citadel… I’m fine, Shepard… I’m fine…”

Shepard staggered over, entered the command, and when he turned back, Kaidan had pulled himself to sitting against the dais in the center of the room. His armor was shattered, his face was burned like Shepard’s. And if it wasn’t for these things, Shepard could almost trick himself into believing he was only resting–his usual post-mission cat-nap aboard the shuttle on the ride back to the Normandy. And while James was up front chatting with Cortez, Shepard would take his hand and hold it until he woke up, letting Kaidan rest his head on the shoulder of his armor.

He stumbled over now, collapsing to the deck as the light from Earth reflected onto their faces. He took Kaidan’s hand, and together they stared down at Earth.

“Wow,” Kaidan gurgled. “I… wow. That’s beautiful… never get tired of seeing that… big blue planet… Nice view… Very soothing…” he cough violently and Shepard struggled to pull himself closer. But everything hurt. He felt like he would never stand again. He would die on this floor. But if there was any way to save Kaidan… 

“Best seats in the house.” Shepard tried to laugh, but his voice was too choked.

“That blue…” Kaidan continued, finally looking up at Shepard. “Same color as your eyes, y’know? Glad I… get to see it one last time… reminds me… what I’ve been fighting for…”

“Kaidan… hold on, okay?” Shepard stroked an armored hand down the soot on Kaidan’s face.

“Heh, you did great… Shepard. You did great. I’m… I’m proud of you.”

He should have said to hang on, he should have struggled again to stop Kaidan’s bleeding. He wanted to curse himself for his slowness again, for allowing Kaidan to be in this position. But those thoughts had all fled, blown away as easily as the indoctrination field when the Illusive Man had perished. Kaidan was proud of him.

So he said, “I love you, Kaidan.” 

And Kaidan smiled, and his eyes were deep and dark, and his hand went limp in Shepard’s.

 

++

 

“Wake up.”

The voice shook through him. Shepard was lying on the floor of a strange room. Hackett’s words still rang in his mind.

> _Nothing’s happening._
> 
> _What more do you want from me?_

And then he had passed out, ready to die beside Kaidan’s body. But the voice called to him again, more insistent, familiar.

“Wake up.”

Shepard opened his eyes, blurry eyes taking in the faint glow of a holographic figure standing before him. That voice. He pulled himself to his feet, struggling to focus. In the darkness, jets of flame and a flurry of silver before the blue rim of Earth meant the battle was still raging. There was more to do, after everything Kaidan sacrificed, there was still _more_ to do.

He squinted, the white flash of the hologram stood fast. All at once, he recognized it.

It was Kaidan.

He stumbled backwards, collapsed to the floor.

“Wh-what are you!?”

“I am the Catalyst,” the Thing said in Kaidan’s voice. His gentlest voice, the kind he reserved for musing pillow-talk. Shepard thought he would throw-up.

“Why do you look like… like that!?” Shepard cried.

“I can look however I please,” the Thing approached, Kaidan’s easy stride. “You desire to stop the Reapers. I _am_ the Reapers. This device has the power to do that.”

“…why would you help me?” He couldn’t look at the Thing. He just couldn’t.

“How could you ask me that, Shepard?” came Kaidan’s voice, just over his shoulder, now.

“No! _Stop!_ ” Shepard scrambled up swinging. But Kaidan wasn’t really there, and his hands fell through the hologram.

“The other who was with you, the Illusive Man, he wanted to take control of the Reapers,” the Thing beckoned with Kaidan’s easy head tilt to a console connected to the Crucible. “You and I could be one. You would die—in a manner of speaking—and your consciousness would be together with mine… and Kaidan’s.”

“No, you’re _not_ Kaidan!” This was a nightmare. There was his lover, made of shimmering light. No trace of the three years of fighting, no blood and bruises.

“I’ve watched you closely, Shepard,” the Thing reached out with Kaidan’s hand to touch his hand. Shepard flinched away. “And I assure you, the memory engrams of one organic are a simple thing to emulate.”

“I don’t want _fake_ Kaidan!” Shepard spat. “H-he’s dead… and… he’s dead. Because of… because of me. Because I wasn’t fast enough. Because I needed protecting…”

“It’s not your fault, Shepard.” Through the tears that filled his eyes, Shepard could almost believe it _was_ Kaidan reassuring him. “I wanted you here. To be with me.”

“I won’t,” Shepard growled.

“Then there is another option…” the Thing pointed to the green flame in the center of the room. “Combine your energy with the Crucible. Join the organic and synthetic life into a new form. A piece of you will be joined to every living being in the galaxy. Your love for me—for Kaidan—will live forever as part of the genetic memory of all things.”

“No. _No._ ” But Shepard had stopped knowing why he was saying ‘no’.

“Death doesn’t have to be the end, lover,” Kaidan said.

Shepard was so tired.

He’d shot him, the man he loved. He watched the light leave his eyes. Then, he was back to his mission when all he wanted from the world was to live long enough to feel the warmth drain from Kaidan’s body.

There wasn’t anything left.

“No,” Shepard seethed, looking the thing square in the eye. “If ‘death isn’t the end’, I’ll find out myself. You disgust me.”

He pulled his body upright, made for the conduit that would destroy the Reapers once and for all. He gripped his gun tight, swore he could feel Kaidan at his back, even though the Thing kept its distance. Kaidan always had his back.

He’d never gotten a chance to say goodbye. He would go find Kaidan out there in the Night and prove he needn’t have worried.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I'm in a pretty depressed place and writing this helped me process a little bit. It's a time of year where I remember a lot of people I've lost. 
> 
> I may come back and scrub this one up, there are some prose choices I am not at all happy with, but I can't get anything else out, and I'd like to post this. I so appreciate you reading, it means a lot to me that you read all the way through to the end, and I don't tell you guys that enough. Thank you so much for reading this thing.


End file.
